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tailor humor
by LastBestPlace 20 Mar '22

20 Mar '22

DUGLY HAD SUFFERED FROM HEADACHES Dugly had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor said, ‘Dugly, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’ Dugly was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’ The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long. Dugly laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said. Dugly tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Dugly admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’ Dugly thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman eyed Dugly and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’ Dugly was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years.’ Dugly tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Dugly walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Dugly thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36’. Dugly laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’ The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.’

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tech support humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Mar '22

12 Mar '22

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius! The query: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed: Desperate The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)… Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck Tech Support

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bartender humor
by LastBestPlace 06 Mar '22

06 Mar '22

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer. “Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.“

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fishing humor
by LastBestPlace 06 Feb '22

06 Feb '22

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?" "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the last guy, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

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memorial humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Jan '22

23 Jan '22

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied , still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:45?"

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admiral humor
by LastBestPlace 16 Jan '22

16 Jan '22

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fu**in' ear.

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Roman galley humor
by LastBestPlace 14 Jan '22

14 Jan '22

Semi-related story: A Roman galley is tied up at the wharf and the big hairy guy -- naked to the waste and reeking of B.O. -- goes below to address the shackled slaves in the bilge. "Lads", he says, "I've got good news and bad news for ya!" "First, the good news. The boss wants to spend Winter in Alexandria so we'll be enjoying warmer days!" A cheer resounds in the bilge and as it subsides, a lone voice calls out from row 193 seat "C" asking, "..er..what 's the bad news then?" "The boss wants to water ski all the way over.."

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2021: The Guest List
by LastBestPlace 31 Dec '21

31 Dec '21

The only thing better than hanging out in Glacier National Park and the surrounding area is the time spent sharing it with guests. Despite the fireplace construction in the house, a half marathon, skiing, Nadine and Mo’s wedding, lots of travel …. and so on …. we welcomed a full slate of guests to the Last Best Place. *March 11* I met up with Wanda and Bob who came in to town to ski at Whitefish Mountain. We had a pint or two (I brought my hat!) at HellRoaring Saloon, where we shared a half order of their famous nachos. Great to be able to meet up with them. *June 19* Lyndsey and Bri riding on River Bend Dr., West Glacier MT. On their way to Mexico. *July 2* We actually had overlapping guests, with Dennis and Lily staying for a night first. Then two ladies we had never met before — Kiersten and Kayla — stayed for a visit. The question arises ”How do you get complete strangers arriving and staying at your house?”. That’s easy; Kiersten is the sister of a friend of our daughter Sally in Fairbanks. She and Kayla had attempted to get reservations to camp near Glacier, but everything within a 1.5 hour drive was full. Sally contacted us and asked if they could camp in our yard, to which Sandy replied “No Way!!! They must stay in the house in comfy beds like the rest of our guests!!” *July 4* Mike and Nancy finally made it for a visit. Sandy and Nancy both taught at the same elementary school when Sandy taught kindergarten (so they were not complete strangers 😉). (federal mandate required masks on all public transport, including outdoor scenic boat rides, regardless of vaccination status, strictly enforced by the minimum wage seasonal employees of the boat company) *July 9* Taylor did gymnastics with our daughters years ago, so not a complete stranger. She brought along Hanna and Alyssa for their first visit, which included hiking the Highline Trail to the Loop. ** * July 22 *Nadine and Mo's wedding brought in a large number of guests to the area. So glad they were able to share in the ceremony and reception, and wish there was more time to spend with all them. That is what future visits are for! **** *August 31 *The "immortal man" Jason stayed for an extended visit, being able to work remotely while here. I cannot thank him enough for getting me out of my comfort zone, but that is an entirely different story. Jason stayed with us briefly the summer of 2020, sleeping in his car in the driveway during the more dark and fearful days. His connection at that time was that he was an online acquaintance of a friend of Nadine's fiance, and that was good enough for us! The 2021 story of Jason's "immortality" is pretty incredible, but it is his story to tell and best left to him. ** *September 28* In time for Sandy's birthday, Bill and Jim visit. Jim is *THE* reason I ever met Sandy. *October 18* Channing, Jess, and of course Jasper are no strangers, as I had met them in Fairbanks, AK just the week before! Actually I was reminded that I had been introduced to Channing when I ran the Hoo Doo Half Marathon in Fairbanks a few years back, but I was a wee bit tired, cold, and drinking a Hood Doo Brewery stout at the time. Jasper insisted on sticking his tongue out for the photos. They were passing through on their way from Alaska to California and stopped for the night, with enough time for a delicious Echo Lake Cafe breakfast on the way out. *October 31* The unknown "T.rex or treater" passed thru on Halloween, with his handy shot glass looking for libations Happy New Year, and may you be able to visit and make our 2022 Guest List

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12/21/21 : Nearly Christmas at the Mexican Border
by LastBestPlace 25 Dec '21

25 Dec '21

We had quite a number of guests stay with us throughout 2021. Curiously, there were a number of them that we did not know prior to their arrival!!! All guests were a delight, but two stand out in an entirely different class - we did not know them in advance; it was a chance coincidence that we even met; they charmed our neighbors around the golf course; and they were on a journey that makes one very jealous — why didn’t I ever do something like this in my younger days? We actually played a very small role in their travels. Our part began on June 17. I was out for my run to the Belton Bridge, which is my standard maintenance run. The Glacier Half Marathon was only 9 days away. Just another beautiful day in paradise. On the return portion of the run, as I returned thru “downtown” West Glacier, I saw a couple horses in front of the restaurant. This was quite unusual. I asked the lovely young lady with them what were they doing. She gave a smile and said they were doing their summer dream of riding the Continental Divide Trail (CDT) https://continentaldividetrail.org from Canada to Mexico. When they started out, the east side of the park was still closed so they could not begin at the official Canadian trailhead near Waterton Lakes, so instead they started out at the Canadian border near Eureka MT, then over the hills to Polebridge, down the Inside Fork road and in to West Glacier. They were trying to locate a way up to Marias Pass to connect back on to the CDT. Riding up Hwy 2 with busy tourist traffic was not an option, and when I left them to run back home they were looking at the possibility of taking the southern boundary trail in the park and locating a place to ford the Middle Fork. I wished them good luck on their journey. The next morning I was out for my run to the Belton Bridge, which is my standard maintenance run. I never made it to the bridge. I started out, and as I arrived in “downtown” there were the same two young women on horseback coming over the bridge out of the park. Just as they came into West Glacier, a park ranger in a vehicle with flashing lights pulled them over. “Ma’am, we’ve received reports of a couple people on horseback who were camping illegally in the park”. After 5 minutes of confusion on the ranger’s part, the misunderstanding was straightened out. The women had camped outside the park on the other side of the North Fork, and had rode the 11 miles over Camas road to arrive in West Glacier. After the ranger left, I spoke to the ladies. “You’re not supposed to be here! You’re supposed to be on the way to Marias Pass. What gives?”. They had spent the prior day asking around of places to ford the river, but mid June is when the river is cresting at it’s peak high. One cannot ford it in June! They were still trying to figure out a plan when I invited them to come down to our house, where they can make calls and look at maps and determine a plan of action. I called our next door neighbors and asked whether they would allow them to graze the horses on their property and possibly spent a night, which they very generously agreed. The ladies had been riding for over a week, and were absolutely delighted by our offer of showers and laundry facilities, along with a dinner of Sandy’s homemade pizza and some generous sampling of Glacier Distilling products. I don’t know if you get horses very often in your neighborhood, but we do not. They attracted quite a bit of attention, and other offers of food and advice soon followed. One neighbor pulled out some maps and showed them how they could ride down to the Hungry Horse Reservoir, continue to the Spotted Bear region in the Bob Marshall Wilderness, and connect to the CDT. A plan!!!! They said they would be up early and head out that way. Somewhere in that conversation it was mentioned they would be passing the distillery, and “early morning” changed to “later” so that they could pass by around noon when the distillery opened. The next morning they saddled up and were on their way. We had kept in touch with a few texts when they were in cell service. At one point they passed by Anaconda MT, and their story made the local paper. Later we had heard from them at some point that they made it to Colorado, and then later in to New Mexico, and today (Christmas Eve) received the following photo of them taken 12/21 at the Mexican border at Puerto Palamos. The completion of the CDT! We very much look forward to their next visit to West Glacier, hopefully soon, to hear the full tale of their travel. What an extraordinary achievement

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welfare humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Dec '21

12 Dec '21

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will furnish your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges because the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

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