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government job humor
by LastBestPlace 20 Aug '23

20 Aug '23

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American humor
by LastBestPlace 13 Aug '23

13 Aug '23

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat he found was one directly across from a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?” The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip to the end of the train, he found himself once again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!” The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he might please sit down. The lady said, “Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you’re also very inconsiderate.” The soldier didn’t say anything else. Instead, he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

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New York humor
by LastBestPlace 06 Aug '23

06 Aug '23

Daniel, a single 40-year-old, has just returned from a business trip to New York and is telling his friend Sam about a telephone conversation he had while there. "What an embarrassing conversation it was," Daniel says. "In what way was it embarrassing?" asks Sam. "Well," replies Daniel, "Whenever I go on a business trip, I always pick up one of the cards left in various places that advertise girls willing to help men relax – you know what I mean, don’t you, Sam, massage and all that?" "Yes, of course I know what ‘all that’ means," replies Sam with a wide smile on his face. Daniel continues. "So as soon as I had checked into my hotel, I took out the card I found in my airport taxi. It was from a girl called, “SEXYLEGS” and believe me, Sam, the photo on the card was of a long legged beauty with great curves and a gorgeous smile kneeling on a bed. You know the kind, don’t you, Sam?" "I sure do," replies Sam. "So I'm in my room and I call her," continues Daniel. "‘Hello,’ the lady says to me, and Oy vay, did she sound sexy! I couldn’t wait to meet her so I said, ‘Hello, I understand that you give a wonderful massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. But I also want more. Let me be honest with you - I've just arrived from New York and I’m feeling horny. What I need badly is some sex. And I want it for the whole night. You name it, we'll do it, so bring all of your lotions, potions and toys with you and well have an all-night session to remember. You can even cover me with strawberries and cream. How does that grab you, darling?’" "Wow," says Sam, "so what did she say to that?" "She said, ‘That sounds pretty fantastic to me, but for an outside line you need to dial 9 first.’"

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cowboy humor
by LastBestPlace 18 Jul '23

18 Jul '23

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas! Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

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05/29/2023 - Oh the Places You'll Go! (part 5)
by LastBestPlace 30 May '23

30 May '23

... continuing, travels from August 2022 thru May 2023 *April 2023 - Alaska* In a highly unusual moment of generosity, and perhaps some selfish interest reasons, we volunteered to drive Karly's car from Portland to Anchorage. She and Zan are moving to Anchorage and are driving a UHaul with his car on a trailer, and we offered to get her car up there. I've never been on the AlCan, and this was a golden opportunity to drive it. But Portland to Anchorage is about 44 hours of driving -- that's the hard way to do it. We "cheated" and took the Alaska Marine Highway, catching the ferry in Bellingham WA and disembarking in Skagway AK. From there is is only 14 hours of driving. We were on the ferry in a cabin for 3 nights. First we had to get to Portland. Fortunately Amtrak provides direct service, and we have points to use. The morning ride along the Columbia River is always pretty. In Portland we got to meet Karly's dog Zephyr, who actually played an important role in part of the travel, considering he did not travel with us! We drove up to Bellevue, outside of Seattle to visit Bob and Mary. I know Bob as we worked at Adobe together, though I don't think we ever actually worked together on the same project. From there it was an hour drive to Bellingham, and then in to the bowels of the ferry. During the trip access to the car deck was allowed for half an hour at a time a few times during the day, so people could access belongings in their vehicles, but mostly to let their dogs out of the vehicles to stretch. The cabins were nice. All bunk beds, with a private shower/bathroom. Much roomier than Amtrak's sleeping compartments. Sandy was "disinterested" in the camping on the deck adventure. Quite a few frugal travelers slept in sleeping bags under the Solarium, which had radiant heaters on the ceiling. In the peak summer season this must be packed. No smoking, drinking, or drugs allowed! Unlike Amtrak, meals are not included as part of the sleeping accommodation. We had a large cooler with fixings for breakfast and lunch, but did have dinners in the restaurant. That was the only place on the ferry one could purchase beer or wine. There were crossed out signs onboard that pointed to a cocktail lounge which must no longer exist. I had brought enough Cold Smoke in the cooler in the cabin to see me thru the trip. Tipping was not allowed! All employees are State of Alaska government employees. We were traveling the last week of April, so no crowds in the off season Typical Pacific Northwest for the 3.5 day journey. Cloudy and drizzle at times. Some occasional clearing which gave hints of the snow covered coastal mountains. It was a very relaxing way to travel. No WiFi on board, with sporadic cell service. We eventually reach our destination of Skagway ahead. The old west gold rush town retains that same feel, though perhaps a bit touristy in the summer season. It is a beautiful setting After one night in town, we are on the road. The first 10 miles head uphill to White Pass, which is the Canadian border. A very curious observation about timezones on this day's drive. All of Alaska is on one timezone, including Skagway. In April with daylights savings, it is on ADT. As we cross the border in to Canada, we enter British Columbia which is on Pacific Daylight Time (PDT). About 40 miles further on the road we cross in to the Yukon Territory, which is year round on Mountain Standard Time (MST). So within 2 hours of driving we passed thru 3 timezones! We could not have ordered better weather for our driving if the devil himself provided it! 😉 The summit, at 3292 feet on the US side. I could not locate the elevation marker on the Canadian side which was very surprising to me, as I was always told everything is easier in metric. Just brilliant and very bright. I believe this is the frozen Tutshi Lake We spent the night in Haines Junction at the not so charming but adequate Stardust Motel, on the first day it was open for the season. Awesome view from the deck! The next day we drove to Tok. A large portion of the time was alongside Kluane Lake As we passed by we said Boo but they did not Care (dad humor) The only other wildlife we saw were 2 moose in a shopping center parking lot in the city of Wasilla AK We spent the night in Tok at a AirBnB. It seemed rather nice. On entry there was a table with a note and our name on it providing instructions room instructions, and that breakfast as at 8am. At 8am the next morning we went downstairs for breakfast, but no one was there to greet us. There was a pot of hot water, no coffee except some instant decaf, some cereals, and bagels and cream cheese in the refrigerator. Not quite the breakfast we were expecting! As we made do with what was there for breakfast, and I dug out my AeroPress and coffee from the car, another couple who were guests with a dog emerged from their room for breakfast. While talking with them, they asked where we were traveling, and we explained about driving the car to Anchorage for a friend. They mentioned they had been driving behind a UHaul pulling a trailer with a car for a number of miles, and when it stopped to get gas they stopped as well, and their dog Foxtrot had a great time playing with Zephyr -- lo and behold they had met Karly and Zan!! They too were moving to Anchorage. Quite the coincidence. I texted Karly, and she was thrilled because they had not exchanged contact info and wanted to meet up in Anchorage with them. And thus we were able to reconnect Mitch, Sara and Foxtrot with them The next day's drive went along the endless ranges of Alaska mountains. Just outstanding, especially with the weather's cooperation. I look forward to coming back to this area. Simply endless. Just wow! After a night in Wasilla we had a short one hour drive to Anchorage to meet up with Karly and Zan and deliver the car. When we did that, they related on how the two of them went out to the Anchorage Brewing Company for dinner the prior night, and who should happen to be having dinner there none other than Mitch and Sara! They obviously were destined to be friends. Karly then dutifully delivered us to the airport, where we flew to Fairbanks with a planned 6 hour layover. Nadine picked us and we were able to have a great Thai dinner before catching the 1am red eye flight back home, thus ending the Alaskan car delivery story *May 2023 * Yet more travels, albeit just for extended weekends. Sandy and her cousin were able to get away for a 4 day weekend to Fairbanks, under the guise of helping Sally plant her garden. I think the real reason was they wanted to go play with the dogs. While she was away up north, I took the opportunity for an extended weekend in the Bay Area. With the Covid Reign of Terror's painfully slow demise complete, this was an opportunity to meet up in person with people I had not physically seen in 3 years. In order of appearance, it was great to see Dorothy, Janice, Charlene & Ian, Lily & Dennis, Mike, Dejan, Nabeel, Serena, Tam, Janet & Joe, Julie & Bill, and Geoff & Lisa. I also had a chance to visit Seacliff State Park, where all traces of the pier out to the cement ship have been removed. When the kids were very small, we used to go for walks with them on the pier, and in those days one could walk onto the front portion of the ship, which is now turned at an angle. Such memories! And saving the best for last, I finally got to meet "Rusty", Dorothy & John's restoration project. And that concludes all our travel from last August to the present. Now it is your turn to travel to Montana and visit the Last Best Place. In my very humble opinion there are no bad months or seasons here, and I've got the photos to prove it! We look forward to seeing you.

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05/29/2023 - Oh the Places You'll Go! (part 4)
by LastBestPlace 29 May '23

29 May '23

continuing, travels from August 2022 thru May 2023 *Wales *It seems there is a castle, or ruins of one, near wherever you are. Faith and Richard were are tour guides in Wales. Looks like the old castle builders were quite proficient with stainless steel We took the Snowdon Mountain Railway cog train in Wales. Snowdon Mountain is the highest peak in Wales. In the summer it traverses to the summit, but in the off season if goes about 2/3 of the way. Beautiful views. Distillery #11: Penderyn Just had a tasting. Worthy enough to bring a bottle home *Ireland* From Wales we took the ferry over to Dublin and stayed in the small village of Avoca, known for its historic woolen mill. Not far away is Powerscourt. When you are ultra rich in the late 1800s, you build an estate with massive gardens, which later becomes to costly to maintain so a trust takes over and converts it to a tourist destination. It was a little early in the season for some of the gardens, but still quite impressive. Distillery #12: Powerscourt No tourist attraction is complete without it's own distillery. I was underwhelmed with their selection. Back to Avoca to tour the Woolen Mill. Absolutely great! So much manual effort in the production. Impressive they can sell products at their prices. The white line is the "cut" thread. These are blankets that will have tassels. Sandy's Mothers Day present is an Avoca blanket. Come to Montana to see it. It is awesome! Our last day in Ireland, Faith and Richard drove us to our hotel next to the Dublin airport. We woke up that morning and saw snow on the hills nearby. We had time and decided to take the scenic route inland for the drive, and it started to go up in to the snowy hills. The road continued to go up, and the snow on the road was 2~3 inches deep, which was right at the point that Faith was nervous about driving in it. As we were looking for a place to turn around and go back down, we crested the summit where the Irish snowplows were. I never expected to see this in Ireland!! After the summit, the snow petered out as we headed down. After Faith and Richard dropped us off and headed to the ferry back to Wales, we took a bus in to Dublin and went to Distillery #13: Pearse Lyons Distillery This was definitely the most unusual distillery housed in a restored church in downtown Dublin. The only distillery we visited that had a graveyard. I'd say someone is filled with the Holy Spirit From Dublin we flew to Heathrow, then Seattle, then Kalispell. But there are still more travels to get up to date!! ..... the travels continue in part 5

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05/29/2023 - Oh the Places You'll Go! (part 3)
by LastBestPlace 29 May '23

29 May '23

continuing, travels from August 2022 thru May 2023 *March 2023/April 2023* *Manchester *Our entire trip was brought about by an invitation to Sam and Becka's wedding in Manchester. Becka's family used to live in Aptos, and she and Nadine went to school together in the same grade, as well as her sister Sarah and Sally. Our arrival at the train station in Manchester. Sandy and I and John and Nadine and way too much luggage all packed in to a standard British taxi cab Nadine, Sally, Bryson, Sam, Becka, Sarah, Sandy and John (and me!) out for pizza two days before the wedding. It was great to be able to get together at all during the hectic pre wedding days. Richard and Faith (bride parents) with us for lunch pre wedding. They have that look of "it's almost over with!" I did have a brief opportunity while in Manchester to go for a jog along the River Mersey. Sorry, no wedding photos to share. After the wedding, we had arranged to meet up with Margaret and Malcolm who reside outside of Manchester. They are the parents of someone I used to work with at Adobe and had briefly met at his wedding a few years prior. They were are tour guides for a day, taking us to the town of Chester which we knew absolutely nothing about. It was fantastic!!! Not only the city of Chester, but also their company. We gives our guides a 5 star rating, and for a limited time our referral commission is a reduced 3% 😉 The lasting legacy of Chester is the Roman influence. Until about 400 AD, this was a thriving Roman city and much of that structure remains. One can still walk the wall that encloses the city While the insides of the shops are modern, the exteriors of the buildings continue a 1700s look Chester Cathedral is magnificent. We just don't have anything like this in Montana (or the US). I've heard it said the size of the organ doesn't matter 😉 We were able to hear the organ and the choir practicing while we toured it. Just amazing! After Chester, we were taken to The Ship Free House, for the best Sunday Roast in Cheshire. We were not disappointed. The food and the venue were excellent. And best of all, "We don't have to work tomorrow!" Thanks you so much Malcolm and Margaret ..... the travels continue in part 4

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406 -- Happy Montana Day!
by LastBestPlace 06 Apr '23

06 Apr '23

*Happy Montana Day!! 5 Years of Retirement!!! *I cannot imagine a more appropriate location for my fifth year retirement celebration than Portmeirion. This the filming location for the classic British television series "The Prisoner" As a poor pensioner I too can now claim ... /I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered MY LIFE IS MY OWN / * *And better yet enjoying the day with Ali, Richard, Faith and Robin * *And Sandy, of course!!! * *With the national flag! * *And a followup pint at the Purple Moose in Porthmadog * *

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one liner humor
by LastBestPlace 24 Mar '23

24 Mar '23

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40 year old humor
by LastBestPlace 09 Mar '23

09 Mar '23

An evangelical minister and a politician arrived at Heaven’s gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them in hand to show them where their quarters would be. And he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the clergyman. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn’t believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds… many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters. And he couldn’t help but ask, he said, “But wait, how–there’s something wrong–how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?” And St. Peter said, “You have to understand how things are up here. We’ve got thousands and thousands of clergy. You’re the first politician who ever made it.” For those too young to remember, 40 years ago today President Reagan began his “Evil Empire” speech with this joke. Full text is at https://voicesofdemocracy.umd.edu/reagan-evil-empire-speech-text/

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