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professor humor
by LastBestPlace 31 May '21

31 May '21

The professor goes to the university canteen for lunch, a student sits across from him at the same table. The professor gets annoyed with him and said: "A pig and bird do not eat together". Student: "I apologize. Then I'll fly to another table". The professor is very frustrated about the student's astute answer and decides to get the student back on the next exam. But during the exam, the student answers all the questions correctly and again the professor must swallow his frustration. During an oral test, the professor asks: "There are 2 bags in the street. One is full of money and the other full of intelligence. Which one do you choose?" Student: "The bag of money." Professor: "I think the bag with intelligence would have been better." Student: "I know. People always choose what they don't have."

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grandfather humor
by LastBestPlace 22 May '21

22 May '21

I hope I die quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather and not screaming with terror like his passengers.

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dog humor
by LastBestPlace 09 May '21

09 May '21

A mechanic once owned a dog named "Mace." Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed... "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

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pharmacy humor
by LastBestPlace 07 May '21

07 May '21

A man walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman at the counter said she was the only pharmacist there, that just she and her sister owned and ran the store and there were no male employees. She asked if she could help him. He said that he really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist, but she assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. He reluctantly agreed and began explaining... "I'm a shy man so this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist thought for a moment then said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do... 1/3 ownership of the store, a company car of your choice and £5,000 a month to live on..."

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work from home humor
by LastBestPlace 02 May '21

02 May '21

A little off topic but my wife constantly complains about sexual harassment at the workplace. I told her, "No one is forcing you to work from home!"

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text humor
by LastBestPlace 09 Apr '21

09 Apr '21

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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tsunami humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Apr '21

07 Apr '21

A man went to his therapist and said he has a horrible fear of tsunamis. The therapist asked him, "What do you feel? How bad is it?" The man said, "It comes in waves."

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406-2021 Happy Montana Day!
by LastBestPlace 06 Apr '21

06 Apr '21

Happy Montana Day. It is April 6 which is the telephone area code for the entire state of Montana (406). Today marks 3 years since my last productive day as a member of society, and the beginning of my retirement. A heart felt thank you to all those hard working tax payers who cheerfully contribute to my very happy lifestyle in the Last Best Place! It would not be possible without you. Definitely an uneventful year here. Some house work was completed. Did some hiking, some biking, some running, some skiing. Same old same old. What does retirement entail? My daily minimal run during the non winter season is to the old bridge and back, roughly a 4 mile round trip jaunt. April 4, 2020 a reasonably clear day was met with a snowstorm on the way. Sandy even called me as I approached the bridge, asking if she should pick me up (not an effing chance!) Nearly a year later, April 6, 2021, it is sunny and 55 degrees. Only a small amount of snow in the shade is left. The daily run is important. Never would have survived years of work without out it. A very good base for all the other activities. Daily dose of vitamin D to stay healthy. Get the heart rate and breathing elevated. Keep all the parts in good working order! I run, therefore I am. The Middle Fork of the Flathead River is as alive as I am. I am blessed to observe this during my runs to the bridge. It is designated a Wild and Scenic River. No dams allowed. The river level can change daily, sometimes quite dramatically. No two days are exactly the same; savor the moment while you can. There are no bad days -- but some days are really, really special. April 4, 2020 April 13, 2020 May 1, 2020 June 3, 2020 June 7, 2020 July 2, 2020 July 12, 2020 July 14, 2020 September 8, 2020 March 3, 2021 April 6, 2021 Retirement means I can make a serious effort to watch the sun rise every morning and the sun set every evening. It helps that I am blessed with an incredible location to view them. April 19, 2020. Sunset on the other side of the 18th fairway. Some snow remains on the lower Apgar Mountains. October 14, 2020. Fall sunset Christmas Eve, 2020. The sun is setting about as far left as it can on the horizon. January 19, 2021. Shades of red you never knew existed. February 1, 2021. The grass around the base of the tree shows what a warm low snow year it has been. February 24, 2021. It never ceases to amaze. March 8, 2021. The clouds light the sky on fire at sunset. March 23, 2021. Sunrise after a snowy night. The sun is minutes away. Retirement means having the time to watch a Mountain Ash change colors. Retirement means Happy Hour with the neighbors (and friends!) on the first fairway in the spring, with a view of the snow covered mountains of Glacier NP in the background. Retirement means hiking at Logan Pass with Sandy on October 9, 2020. This was the last day of the season you could drive to the pass before it was closed for the winter. Retirement means SKI! 38 days of downhill skiing this season. Retirement means 13 days of skinning up the mountain. Retirement means Scamping. Do I miss working for a living? Let me think about that some and get back to you

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container humor
by LastBestPlace 03 Apr '21

03 Apr '21

A side note on the container ship: A significant portion of the world’s commerce is shipped in those standard sized containers. In order for the containers to stack properly, they all have to be precisely the same size, either 6.096 meters or 12.192 meters long, which, amazingly, converts to 20 feet and 40 feet. The next time someone tells you that the entire rest of the world uses the metric system, smack them upside the head with a 5.08 cm by 10.16 cm

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old lady humor
by LastBestPlace 31 Mar '21

31 Mar '21

A cranky older woman, Ruth "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before judge Abrams, he asked her what she had stolen from the store. Ruth defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.” The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband, Max, raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. "Yes, sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas.“

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