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college humor
by LastBestPlace 19 Oct '25

19 Oct '25

Four college guys go on a weekend road trip. They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

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dog food humor
by LastBestPlace 03 Oct '25

03 Oct '25

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at the grocery store and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s behind and a car hit me.

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driving humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Sep '25

07 Sep '25

When the officer walks up to the car, he sees the driver is an eighty-year-old woman with very thick glasses. "Ma'am, why are you driving so slowly on the highway?" he asks. "Why are you mad at me? The speed limit is only ten miles an hour!" she replies angrily, gesturing toward a nearby sign. The officer looks at the sign and sighs. "Ma'am, that sign says 'Highway 10,' not 'Speed Limit 10'." "Oh my goodness!" the driver exclaims, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, officer! I'll look more carefully at the signs, I promise!" The officer nods and glances casually into the backseat, and freezes. Sitting in the backseat are two other women, wide-eyed and pale, barely breathing, their white knuckles gripping the seat as hard as they can. "Are your passengers alright?" he asks. "Oh, they're fine," the driver replies. "We just got off Highway 180."

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judge humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Sep '25

07 Sep '25

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned bastard!" The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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train humor
by LastBestPlace 31 Aug '25

31 Aug '25

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train... Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fooking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

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dance humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Aug '25

23 Aug '25

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

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moose hunting humor
by LastBestPlace 16 Aug '25

16 Aug '25

Paddy and Mick flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

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old couple humor
by LastBestPlace 11 Aug '25

11 Aug '25

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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wasp humor
by LastBestPlace 10 Aug '25

10 Aug '25

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant, "Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week." The assistant checks the computer and then says, "Certainly. Would you like to listen before you buy it?" The expert replies, "Of course!" The assistant hands him a pair of earphones and puts the record on a turntable near the counter, and turns it on. The expert listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, "I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?" The assistant checks the turntable. "Yes, sir," he says. "This is the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Let me skip ahead to the second track." Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "This just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle to the next track. As soon as the track starts playing, the expert throws off the headphones. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" The expert turns to him, red-faced and fuming. "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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drowning humor
by LastBestPlace 27 Jul '25

27 Jul '25

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out." Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning." The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it." The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God. One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?" She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."

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