- LastBestPlace - mm4.emwd.com

bear humor
by LastBestPlace 24 Jun '20

24 Jun '20

“A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a wild animal, like a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, had his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary , he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Lords' HOLY WORDs ! But that bear wanted nothing to do withme. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not may not have been the best way to start.””

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Monastery humor
by LastBestPlace 17 Jun '20

17 Jun '20

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, “Are you the friar?” He replied, “No, I’m the chip monk…”

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06/14/20 Last Best Anniversary
by LastBestPlace 15 Jun '20

15 Jun '20

We are so lost!!

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Fwd: Don't mess with old people
by LastBestPlace 13 Jun '20

13 Jun '20

--- I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food, too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.

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06/06/20 Lady and The Scamp
by LastBestPlace 06 Jun '20

06 Jun '20

*Lady and The Scamp *We received delivery of our brand new Scamp 16 Deluxe Travel Trailer <https://www.scamptrailers.com/showroom/16-deluxe-trailers> on Friday!!! It's really, really cool! It had been on our retirement bucket list. We originally planned to drive to Minnesota to the factory and pick it up, but with other house work scheduled this month (chimney demolition) we paid for the delivery charge to have it come to us. The lead time to build one, to our custom order, normally is about 6 months. Ours was delayed an extra month and a half due to an executive edict that declared Scamp was not essential. Same Lady. Same Scamp. While we were checking it out, Nadine mentioned the forecast was for thunderstorms with very high winds and possible inch size hail. Not wanting to leave it outside in elements, we all stood around and watched Sandy push it in to the garage :-) In reality three of us pushed but even with two people on a flat surface it is doable to move it. The bigger question was "Will it fit in the garage?". Carefully checking with a ladder, it cleared the door by one inch just as we had measured and checked against the specs. I'll confess looking up from below I was not convinced it would work, but perhaps I am just height biased. The full size bed. The cushions can come up and be converted in to a table with room for 4 people. The kitchen. Underneath the cover next to the sink is the 2 burner propane stove. The "nook". This table and chairs can be converted into a single bed The bathroom contains not only the throne, but also a shower and sink. Refrigerator with shelf above it. Has a 110 outlet in case we want a microwave there. Full length awning. Our home away from home. Like a new house we are figuring out what we need for it and where to put it. Probably do a few short distance test runs first before really going out on multi day (or week) adventures.

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diamond humor
by LastBestPlace 30 May '20

30 May '20

A woman walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!" "Thank you. This is the Plotnick Diamond. Maybe you have heard of it? Between the Hope Diamond and the Star of India is the Plotnick. It’s 40 carats." Replies the woman. "The Plotnick Diamond. Isn’t that romantic. I would do anything for a diamond like that," says the lady. "Oh no you wouldn’t. The diamond comes with a curse." Replies the woman. "A curse?" asks the lady. "What's the curse?" Sadly the woman answers, "Mr. Plotnick.

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05/29/20 Flattening of the Curve
by LastBestPlace 29 May '20

29 May '20

This time of year it is always a relief to see the curve flattened. I of course am referring to the height of the Middle Fork of the Flathead River. Flooding could occur anytime between mid May to mid June. The closest river monitoring site is on the other side of the golf course, downstream from us, at elevation 3128 feet. Our LastBestPlace home has a basement floor at 3161 feet, first floor at 3169 feet, and 2nd floor at 3177 feet per our elevation certificate required by our FEMA flood insurance. My guess is that at our location, if the river hits 15 feet of height it may reach the house. The river is a federally designated designated "Wild and Scenic" waterway. There are (and never will be) dams on it. so flooding will always be a risk. <https://water.weather.gov/ahps2/river.php?wfo=mso&wfoid=18683&riverid=20399…> Assuming a 15 foot crest reaches the house, looking at the historical data the flood of 1964 with the crest of 36.46 feet would pretty much submerge the entire house! While that can still happen, the conditions of a late season heavy snow, rapid increase in temperature, and a warm storm the dumped an estimated 10 inches of rain in 24 hours make that unlikely.

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An old man boarded an airplane
by LastBestPlace 28 May '20

28 May '20

An old man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said. “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.” He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer.” She responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” He said. “and what kind of myths are they?” “Well.” She explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry.” She said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto.” The old man said. “Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Paddy.”

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guess your age humor
by LastBestPlace 22 May '20

22 May '20

Three elderly women are sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then, old man Cohen shuffles by, and one of the old women calls out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” Old man Cohen stops. ‘Well, so how can you do that?” he asks. “All you have to do is drop your pants and your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.” Old man Cohen is a little embarrassed, but he wants to prove these ladies are wrong. He decides to play their game, and he pulls down his pants and boxers. “Turn around, turn around,” one of the old ladies exclaims. Old man Cohen obliges them by turning around a couple of times. “Maybe you can jump up and down a bit?” the second woman asks. With a bit of effort, Cohen goes up and down on his toes a few times. “So it’s not so easy to guess my age?” he asks. All of a sudden, the third elderly woman calls out, “You're 94 years old!” Standing with his pants and boxers down around his ankles, old man Cohen is amazed. “You’re right,” he says, “but how in the world did you figure it out?” “It was easy,” one of the women answers. “We were at your birthday party yesterday.”

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doctor humor
by LastBestPlace 20 May '20

20 May '20

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”

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