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moron humor
by LastBestPlace 01 Aug '20

01 Aug '20

A big moron and a little moron are at the top of a cliff. Which one fell off? The big moron because the other was a little more on

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Video of some guys who biked Going-To-The-Sun Road this year
by LastBestPlace 26 Jul '20

26 Jul '20

20 minute video that blew me away of some guys who biked up Going-To-The-Sun Road earlier this year. The 15 mile ride up with 3000 feet elevation gain is exhausting enough for me to do in a day, but the views are so good they pull you along. But these guys bike up to Logan Pass and then climb up Mt. Reynolds!!!! ... in absolute perfect weather conditions!!!! They are true super humans. But there’s more to their story than that. If you like biking... If you like Glacier’s scenery ... invest the 40 minutes to watch this ... because after the first time you see it you’ll want to watch again. https://youtu.be/m_7dgOWGw-I

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Fwd: Sales Men Joke
by LastBestPlace 19 Jul '20

19 Jul '20

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.” Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.” The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″. The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”

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Michigan humor
by LastBestPlace 19 Jul '20

19 Jul '20

A University of Michigan mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the Ohio States fight song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!" Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the Ohio State University fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

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death humor
by LastBestPlace 18 Jul '20

18 Jul '20

Maurice the mortician is working late one night when they bring him the body of a Mr Schwartz to examine. Schwartz is to be buried early the next day. As he examines the body, Maurice can’t help but notice that Schwartz has the biggest shlong he’s ever seen. "I'm sorry, Schwartz," says Maurice, as he carefully removes the organ with his scalpel, "but I can't send your ‘pride and joy’ to be buried with you. This piece of flesh needs to be saved for posterity." He then stuffs it into his briefcase and takes it home with him. The first person he shows it to is his wife. "Darling," he says, "I’ve got something to show you that you won’t believe." He then opens up his briefcase. "Oy vey zmir," she cries out, with tears running down her face, "Schwartz is dead."

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clown humor
by LastBestPlace 17 Jul '20

17 Jul '20

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

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Costume Party
by LastBestPlace 07 Jul '20

07 Jul '20

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” “Did you dance much?” “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!”

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June 2020: I lost 35 tons in 2 weeks -- learn about my weight loss program!
by LastBestPlace 06 Jul '20

06 Jul '20

We have had chronic roof leaks around our chimney since we bought the house. The first summer we owned the house we replaced the shingled roof with metal, which corrected a number of roof related issues, but never quite fixed the leaks near the chimney, which continued to become more severe over time. Roofers who we had look at the situation said that the roof was done exactly like they would do it, but that the roof line was such a bad design it was not really permanently fixable. The challenges: The house as originally built was an A-frame, with the chimney on one side of the house. The chimney has 2 flues -- one for the main floor fireplace and another for what must have been a stove in the basement (now nonexistent) The chimney is massive in size!! It is 7 feet wide outside the house, and is tapered so it flares to 10 feet wide inside the house In the 90s an addition to the house (kitchen and upstairs bedroom pushed out) changed the roofline so snow and ice backs up behind the chimney The rock on the chimney is porous. Maybe if the chimney was sealed every year water would not have seeped behind the rock, but this was not the case. While aesthetically the chimney looked pretty, after many years we decided you cannot put band aids on a bad design, and that the correct way to fix the problems was to correct the design. Plus we did not need the chimney, as we had a propane insert inside the fireplace. *THE CHIMNEY MUST GO! *The project needed to be scheduled to begin in spring/early summer, as we did not know what additional problems and issues we might uncover. We needed a few months safety margin. It does typically snow here in October, so it really needed to completed in advance of that. Last summer was spent trying to arrange the necessary contractors and schedule them in -- because of the short summer season they need to be booked far, far in advance. And who the heck do you get to demolish a chimney anyway? It is definitely an out of the ordinary project. We finally ended up contacting masons, since these are people who know how to put chimneys up, and had an extremely pleasant experience with the mason who removed the chimney. Starting on June 8, /*he and jack hammer single handedly removed 35 tons of rock, cinder block and debris over a two week period!!!!*/ This was followed by a carpenter who was able to come in immediately (June 22-26) after demolition and re-framed the roof. In an incredible "just in the nick of time" job, the roofer came out on Friday, June 26 in the afternoon to apply the waterproofing tar paper to provide the initial seal to protect the new roof. While extremely nervous about having all the pieces fall into place, we having nothing but praise for the contractors and our experience with them. We remain a ways from completion of this entire remodel, but the chimney removal and roof in place provides us a timeframe that is unaffected by weather. This is an extremely big milestone to have completed!! ** The original chimney. Massive!! Note the roof valley that ends directly behind the 10 foot chimney. We average 200 inches of snow a winter, which sat all winter behind the chimney melting and re-freezing. This is not a a stupid design; this is *really, really stupid design!* The new clean roof line. The carpenter makes it look so easy! And photo with tar paper in place. Tar paper was complete at approximately 7pm on June 26, just in time for some serious wet weather testing. Throughout the storms which at times produced extremely heavy monsoon rains, we remained dry inside the house. Finally, finally, finally no leaks!! More photos to follow of the actual demolition.

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virus poetry
by LastBestPlace 02 Jul '20

02 Jul '20

From Jan Beaumont https://www.facebook.com/janbeaumontpoetry/ I’m normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can’t go out the gates. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now We need to stay inside If they haven’t seen us for a while They’ll think we’ve upped and died. They’ll never know the things we did Before we got this old There wasn’t any Facebook So not everything was told. We may seem sweet old ladies Who would never be uncouth But we grew up in the 60s – If you only knew the truth! There was sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll The pill and miniskirts We smoked, we drank, we partied And were quite outrageous flirts. Then we settled down, got married And turned into someone’s mum, Somebody’s wife, then nana, Who on earth did we become? We didn’t mind the change of pace Because our lives were full But to bury us before we’re dead Is like red rag to a bull! So here you find me stuck inside For 4 weeks, maybe more I finally found myself again Then I had to close the door! It didn’t really bother me I’d while away the hour I’d bake for all the family But I’ve got no bloody flour! Now Netflix is just wonderful I like a gutsy thriller I’m swooning over Idris Or some random sexy killer. At least I’ve got a stash of booze For when I’m being idle There’s wine and whiskey, even gin If I’m feeling suicidal! So let’s all drink to lockdown To recovery and health And hope this bloody virus Doesn’t decimate our wealth. We’ll all get through the crisis And be back to join our mates Just hoping I’m not far too wide To fit through the flaming gates!

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The Art of Dealing
by LastBestPlace 27 Jun '20

27 Jun '20

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes-Benz dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them. But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model!" "The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." Once again.don't mess with seniors. I love this one.

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